The following is just me, being me. So please forgive…me. (Too many me’s in that thought.)
I just realized that even if I was pregnant (which, I’m very obviously not), my EDD would be into my 32nd year. (Wait. I’d be 32. Is that my 32nd year? Or my 33rd year? I never understand that.)
Anyways.
I don’t know why this bothers me so much. Not that 32 is the end of the world. Because it isn’t. But…it’s like, I thought by the time I was 32 I’d be on my 3rd child, which would be my last (since D wants 2 and I want 5, I think 3 is an okay middle ground.)
I’m not going to be a young mom. That is today’s issue, I guess.
Why do we have these clocks in our head? Why is 32 any worse to me than 31? Frankly, it is much better than never. So is 34. Or 45.
I think the emotions I’m having today are two-fold: 1) my pregnant sister is 26, and my SIL (who is on her second child) is 28. And also: WHEN THE HELL AM I GOING TO BE ABLE TO GET PREGNANT? I WANT TO BE A MOMMY!
I am so impatient. Because honestly, in the scheme of things, I know that I need to just breathe. Freaking out about my age (which I know isn’t that old whatsoever) is kind of like counting the hours of sleep I could get now, if I just fell asleep. It’s pointless and good at causing anxiety. I wish I could take my own advice. The advice I can dole out, so tenderly, to the other IFers that I love so much.
“Age is just a number”…”You will still be a mommy, even if it isn’t how you pictured it”…”Let go and let Gd”…
I don’t listen to any of that. Today, I’m just hearing the creepy clock ticking as I wait for my latest doctor’s appointments to come up and the newest news to be given to me.
Sometimes, I just need to drown out the sound of that damn clock.
UPDATED: I am just (as usual) wanting to thank you all for not judging me, (well, aloud) and for letting me say things and just giving me the love and support that I need. I’m lucky. And I’m huggable, so if you need me, I’m here. :)
I’m sorry sweetie. Know that I’m thinking about you. And of course, it will happen, some how, some way, some day. So glad Mo brought us together. Hang in there.
Thanks sweetie. I am too! xo
And now I’m thinking about how old I’ll be when I have…if …I manage to have another child. Thanks for that.
I thought I’d be wrapping up now too.
I suppose if you can’t get rid of it you might as well share it.
I know. This really was emotional vomit. The thing is, I know I’m not too old. But it just gets to me some days. Grr…stupid AF.
Sticking to the lighter side of things, I couldn’t help but find your question as to what year of life you are actually in oddly familiar to my own: http://manneredgold.wordpress.com/2011/08/12/864/
I can ask my mother’s coworker, if you like. We have now deemed her our family thought leader.
Take care,
Sarah
aka alteregolinens.com (the knock, knock towel giver)
Please! It is so annoying.
BTW, I love those towels! Were you so excited when you saw Jenny posted about you? That’s amazing! (Not as exciting as when I posted your blog, I’m sure…;)) Your work is fabulous!
Yeah, if I get pregnant with this IVF round, I’ll be crossing my 37th birthday before the kid is born. I remember thinking about how my mother is 30 years older than I am and OMG that’s such a huge age gap!!! In order to have any comprehension of the world your kid is living in, being 30 years older is just too much!! *sigh* and I’m her youngest kid. If all goes well, I’ll be 37 years older than my first. Argh.
I have to get over it…would I rather be (fill in the age) older than my kid, or not have a kid? But it seems like I go through stages of things I obsess over. Dear lord. Let’s go out for a glass of something, right now! Please?>
For some reason it took my ectopic for me to realize that I wouldn’t be a “young” mom (for me that was defined as under 30). It was a very traumatic moment for me and I had to mourn an idea or dream of what I hoped my life would look like. I know it’s all relative but that doesn’t make it any less difficult. Give yourself the time and space to feel the way you feel. Telling yourself that you should feel differently will only make it worse.
I hope 32 is your year! I really do! (And I think it is your 33rd year because a 1 year old is in their 2nd year, right? because the first year they aren’t one yet. It is confusing.)
Thank you. The reason I wish I felt different is that if another friend came to me and said she wished she was a young mom, I’d probably say, “Do you want to be a young mom, or a mom?” But you are right…I just need to mourn.
33rd year it is! 
Tell me about it. I have a TEEENY chance of being a mom by the time I hit 32, but I hear the tick-tock. all the time. It sucks, doesn’t it?
Yes. Not as fun as when Ke$ha sings about tick tock, is it?
This post sucks. Not as in its a sucky post as in the content and subsequent feelings you have are sucky. I gave up figuring out how old I would be “of” i were to get pregnant right now-and instead have fixated on how old I would have been had we gotten pregnant like normal fertile people back when we were trying.
That also sucks.
Don’t recommend that, at all. Stop it, I know you are figuring that out in your head!
Nothing quite prepares you for the vomiting in your mouth that will happen in your journey to making babies and looking down to see your OB/RE or someone gives you the dreaded label-AMA. Mother effer. Prepare mentally-they smack you with that one when you are 34 and 3 months old-not when you actually turn 35.
Vomitous.
BASTARDS! I didn’t even think of that! My mom always says, “I had a kid at 35.” To which I reply, “You mean, your 3rd (and final) kid? The one that you didn’t even know you were pregnant with, and went to go get your tubes tied and they said, don’t! You are pregnant? That kid?”
Also, if 30 is the new 20, than 40 is the new 30…so I’m not old. Right?
34 and 3 months? But that’s less than a year away! I’m starting a petition. What a crock.
Didn’t someone once say “Never underestimate the power of a group of really pissed off infertiles?”
I hear ya loud and clear. Thought I’d have my first by 24 (didn’t get married until 28 so that threw a wren in those plans). Now 34 and still never seen a BFP…praying that IVF this coming month is successful!
Fingers and toes crossed, lady!
I thought I would have at least 2 kids by now (and either be finished or on my third). I will be 32 in December. And I found my husband when I was 19yrs old and married him at 22yrs old. If I had known how hard this would be I would have never used bcp’s! We started trying at 28yrs old – if only we had known
We did everything right…dated, married, began careers….next should come a baby! Hopefully your wait isn’t too much longer! ICLW #40
I hate that clock. And I hate obsessing about my age as I’m counting the hours of sleep I’d get if I fell asleep right now.
What I am glad about is that I wasn’t more upset about 31 than I was 30, or 32 more than 31, or 33 more than 32. I expect 35 will change that.
I do this too, and its not getting any easier. I will be at my youngest 38 when my EDD comes…if ever. Not even sure if we will have time for 2…but that’s getting a bit ahead of myself when I’m still working on the first!
Funny how we always have advice within ourselves, but we always seem to listen to it when it comes from the mouth of others.
I think that whether you’re considering yourself young or old, once you’ve been at this for awhile, birthdays are just another tick-ticking away of the time you’ve been at it. Like EDDs, like miscarriage anniversaries, all that jazz. My first BFP was just a couple days after my 26th birthday; if this thing actually works out, I’ll have my first kid after my 29th birthday. This past year, I boycotted my own birthday since it was just a reminder to me of what I still didn’t have.
Ahhh! Don’t calculate
But I should take my own advice. When I was 19 I decided I wanted a baby before I was 25 because I wanted to be a “young” mom. And that didn’t happen. I don’t know what it is about being a “young” mom that makes that the THING we want to be … what is the difference anyway? Is it the energy level? A somehow increased tolerance for spit-up and screaming? What is it?
I don’t know. Metabolisms are better before 25? LOL
I share this feeling of the clock ticking… I married young, never went onto any contraceptive and really wanted a baby and thought that we will be able to start our family before I turned 20, but now I’m 32 going on 33 this year December, and still no bigger family than me and hubby. Good luck and I hope you don’t have to wait to long.
I don’t know why age matters or why numbers stick in our brains, but they do. Feel what you’re going to feel, sweetie. It sounds like even with the numbers tumbling around in your brain, you have some good perspective too. It’s just that the heart and the head don’t always work together.
Thank you! I’m not sure why, but I really had a hard time when I realized this. So strange what hits us!
Fear not my friend! Being a young mom isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Remember us at 26? We were much less patient, wise, centered and established as we are now. We’re so much better prepared for handling stress and we are eager to stay put with our family on a Friday night and won’t be resenting our friends out on the town (cause, thank gawd, that’s a twice a year thing now!). We’re going to be great older patents – I really can’t imagine having it any other way. My 20s were all mine (and thankfully they are over now). Plus, I’m not sure I would have wanted my child meeting 26 year old me,,, that’s no kind of role model
So 32, 35… 40 – we’re only getting BETTER with age.
I think its quite natural to have feelings like this as each year comes and goes. We get one year older and there is still no baby in our waiting arms. I hope 32 is your year.
When I turned 30 I started a tradition of going to Disneyland on my birthday. It made me realize that I loved my birthday to much to fussed about turning another year older. However, we will see what next year brings as it will be the big 3-5.
I so get this. I thought I’d have kids at 27, 30, 33, and then be done. As it’s worked out so far, we adopted when I was 29, I’ll have my baby courtesy of DE just before I turn 32, and then…who knows. I’ve definitely learned in these 5 years of infertility that planning and setting deadlines like that just doesn’t work. Which sucks, since it doesn’t seem so unreasonable to want to plan your life. I actually think 32 is a pretty great age to have a kid. Most of my friends didn’t have their firsts until 32, 33, 34–so here’s to a baby in your 32nd year!
Thank you! BTW, Baby Bonsai is adorable! I had to bite my tongue to keep from asking you to give him to me.
I totally get this. If I get pregnant in the next 2 months (and carry full term, of course), then I’ll be a mom just before I turn 30. Anything after that and I can kiss the idea of being a mom in my 20s goodbye. On the one hand, this sucks hard because it’s not at all by my choosing. If I had my choice, I’d be pregnant with number 2 right now. But on the other hand, my career has progressed more than I had ever expected, I’ve gotten into shape, I look fantastic (as a result of spending a pretty penny of makeup and creams mainly to make myself feel better about the whole IF kerfuffle), and although my marriage has had moments of extreme fragility, once we got through those moments we came out way stronger than we’d ever imagined we could be.
I know none of that matters in the sense that it was never what I wanted in the first place, and there was so so so much pain in the meantime…but I guess what I’m trying to say is that I know that I’ll be a kick ass mom when it finally happens, and that for all the shit that I’ve had to deal with, there’s been a lot of good that’s happened for me too.
Being a mom in your thirties is sexy! I know it’s not what you wanted, but you’ll rock it