I Wrote This

Yesterday, Mel wrote a great piece about the 99% of us bloggers who aren’t on the “Top Bloggers of All Time” list.  Even if we are good writers.  She said, “ Declare 2012 as the year of telling YOUR story and then tell it.”

She inspired me to share this with you guys.

A month ago or so, I wrote a piece for a great magazine called Curvy Girl Guide.  It was about something really personal to me.  And I decided not to link it to my blog.

I’m still glad I didn’t, because I’m not ready to go public with my blog to people I know, and I shared the article with a few people in real life.   But, it doesn’t mean that I don’t want to share it with you.

This is the piece.  You can go to the website and check out the post from November 15th.  (I didn’t link exactly because I don’t want a track back.)

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This week, a huge scandal broke at Penn State when it was revealed that the former defensive coordinator was accused of child molestation.  There was an eye-witness to one of the events, and although he reported it to a coach who reported it to his superiors, at no point did anyone step in to stop the abuse.

Since the news broke, I’ve had a stomach ache.

I am the oldest of 3 children.  When I was 7, my younger brother was 5.  Overnight, he went from a cute, cuddly child to a monster.  He demanded a lot of attention.  The worst, however, was when my parents went out for the evening and left us with a babysitter.  One in particular, Jean, caused my brother to act out.  Jean was a lovely older grandmother type.  Although we had no knowledge of this, she had a boyfriend who would come over in the evenings (after we were asleep).  I never saw him.

But my brother did.

That man molested by brother.  I don’t know how many times, I know a little bit of the details, which I won’t recount here.  I will tell you however, that this was a horrific event.  After one particular weekend of babysitting, my brother was so out of control that Jean called my parents and told them they had an hour to get home or she was leaving us.  My parents rushed back, and my mom sat down with my little brother to find out what was wrong with him, why he couldn’t give her and my father a night away?

It was then that my brother told my mom of the abuse, and in a flash our entire life changed.  My father, who himself was abused and never fully addressed his issues, refused to believe my brother and mom.  He was convinced that my brother saw something on television and made the terrible story up.  My parents marriage never recovered from this, and it led to their divorce two years later.

My brother was put on lithium for depression by the age of 7.  He started doing drugs.  There were times that we didn’t think he would pass the 6th grade.  My mom had three children, but in essence she only mothered one for the years following his confession.  Even 25 years later, I have resentment towards my mom and my brother for this.  I know (logically) that it is not their fault, and that my mom was doing the best she could.  But in my heart, I can only remember the constant tip-toeing around my brother, to keep him from going crazy.

I had a lot of guilt.  Because my brother was so terrible when we had babysitters, I usually scheduled a sleepover at a friend’s house.  For years, I had nightmares that consisted of me seeing the man and pulling my siblings into my room while I called the police, saving the day, and the family.  I felt like I had let my brother down.  If only I were there, and the man tried to molest me, I thought I was strong enough to kick him away.

I also developed severe anxiety because my mom stated that if she ever saw the man (or his girlfriend) again, she would kill them.  I had the hardest time letting my mom go out in public alone, because if she were to see them and kill them, she’d be in jail.  And the three of us would be alone.  To this day, my anxiety is still a problem I deal with.  I have yet to have a child, but I stay up at night fearing that they will drive too fast, or over-dose on drugs.  I know that watching what that man did to my family is partially to blame.

This is the first time that I’ve ever put into words the events of what happened in 1986.  I am sitting at my desk, shaking.  Things have gotten much better in our family, and believe it or not, my brother is now a married man with a child (and one on the way!)  He went from having a 1.2 GPA in high school to now finishing up grad school.  He is doing research on the brain patterns of children after cancer treatment.  He is a productive member of society.  And that is amazing, because I can honestly say I never saw that coming.

By telling this story, even a quarter of a century after the fact, I hope to diminish the power that the abuser had over me. I urge any of you who have gone through this to do the same.  The only shame that we can feel is by not speaking out and letting people know that they are not alone.

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So, what’s your story??? Share it.  Blogging is such an incredible tool.

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