So here is the situation.  I have hated my job forever.  In fact, the first Fertility Free Friday I wrote was about my job and how it sucked.

As of late, there was this new girl who started at my office.  She is toxic.  A very mean, unhappy person.  She writes emails that are terrible in tone and disrespectful.  She is not my superior in any way shape or form.

So last night, she sent an email to my boss but accidentally sent it to me.  It said, “Rachel sucks at her job.  X is better than Rachel.  XX is better than Rachel.  XXX is better than Rachel.  She is incompetent.”

My boss hit reply all, on accident, and said, “She doesn’t suck, and she is the only person who has worked this long for no money.”

I was LIVID.  I’ve spent a year and a half, working for a person I can’t handle, in a hostile work environment.   I called D and said, “Is it ok if I quit?”

He said yes.  We are tight on money, but I know I can make it up on the other job I’ve been trying to work at night.  I’m actually going to work on my new job in a few minutes.

So, I did it.  I wrote the following, “Dear Bitch (I put her real name), I’m so sorry you feel that way.  Since I suck, you should have no problem at all catching up on my workload, because I’m leaving in five minutes.
Boss; Thank you for the last year and a half.  I appreciated you, but obviously you didn’t appreciate me as you knowingly underpaid me.  I am happy to move on, and I hope that this company does well.”

And hit send.

And then I went to the office of the woman I’ve been trying to help at night.  She is a social media guru and I’m going to do work for her.  So I’m ok.

The best parts: I can work from home.  Or abroad.  And I won’t be called “stupid” or “incompetent”.

I’m so relieved to be out of there.  I’m hoping to do the things I need to do to become healthy.  I want to work on writing. I want to be good at something I love.  And I want to find me.

And I’m taking these goldfish. 

Thanks guys for your support!

I’m already working elsewhere. I mean, literally a 15 minute turnaround.

If you had a loss and you don’t feel like the community adequately supported you, I want to apologize.  Please know that every loss is devastating and that the community is here to help. I don’t want anyone to ever feel like they didn’t get the love that they needed.

When my grandma died (granted, a grandma is very different than a baby, and I’m aware of that), I did not get ONE card.  Not one.  I didn’t get any emails.  My friends didn’t even want to talk about it.  I think they were weirded out by the immense grief that I felt by the death of an 80 year old.  So, I swallowed it up, and went through my days as a zombie, depressed and alone.  Even D thought I was a little crazy, and he gave me these books on how to deal with death.

But a book couldn’t help me.  I needed to talk about her, hear about her, think about her.  I wanted to hear from people who she had helped (millions…the woman was a philanthropy machine), funny stories about her attitude (the woman had sass!) and to know that she was as special and as important to others as she was to me.  And I didn’t ask for help.  That is probably why 5 years later, I still tear up when I think about her (almost daily) and google her name on the internet to see if there was an article I missed about her life.  (Like I said, she was a big name in the charitable world.)

Then I got to thinking…I keep saying to Mo “Please, let me know what I can do to help you.”  But I realize that 1) she lives in Israel, 2) she is in shock and 3) that is kind of a general request.  If someone would just send me $1200 I would be on a plane to take care of her for as long as she needs me.  I can work from abroad and I miss Israel so badly I dream about it.  Weekly.

So, I needed to find a resource that would give me other ideas as to how to help a friend.  And I realized that you all do too, whether it be for Mo or for other members of our community.

I found an amazing resource on line that I wanted to share.  I also want to ask you all to think about this and let me know:

When you have suffered a loss, what was something someone did to help you? If you suffered a loss, and no one helped, what was something you needed?  And finally, if you have been able to help a friend in the past, what did you do that you felt was able to help someone?

When I was diagnosed with PCOS, it made sense.  I had gained like 70 pounds in 6 years, and I had melasma.  Not normal for a non-pregnant girl in her 20s.  I thought “Oh, I’ll go on chlomid and have twins and be done with this.”

Reality has never been a friend of mine.

Starting a blog was my way of having a place to vent.  I’m surrounded by uber-fertile females who I didn’t want to “bore” with my issues.  I never wanted to be that girl who talks about being infertile all of the time.  I thought I could be the happy, married girl with an air of mystery…why doesn’t Rachel have babies?  Maybe her life is too glamorous.

The ALI community has given me so much.  I’m so lucky to have hundreds of women who’s stories speak to me.  I wait on baited breath during the 2WW of everyone, I celebrate your 2 lines, and I mourn your losses.  It’s like this virtual family that I never knew I always needed.

This week has been so hard.  Watching people come together has been incredible, but when it boils down, I hate that we have to come together like this.  I do.  I hate that there is this disease that is taking so much away from people.

I often say that this is a club I’d never want to be in full of people I’m so glad I have met.

Thank you for being there as seatmates in this hellish journey.

I kind of felt the same way I did the day after 9/11.  Like, why did this happen and can’t I just go back to when life was easier?

And yet, while watching someone I love so much go through something so horrible, I learned something else: this group of women? Is amazing.

That’s you, by the way.

Thank you for all of your messages to Mo.  I am so happy that she is not alone in this.

The update as of right now:

She has been induced.  All we can do is keep her, Shmerson and Shmaby in our thoughts and prayers.

When she texted me this am, she told me that she is in shock at the outpouring of love.  I told her I’m not, she is really loved.

As are you all.  Thank you.

Mo promised to update as soon as she can, so keep your eye out.  But I also think she might not be able to write as soon as she thinks, as this is becoming more and more real.

“My water broke, they’re inducing labor.  He won’t make it”.

I immediately started shaking.  I called Court and (without saying hello) said, “What do we do?”

My suggestions: 1) Fundraise for a flight to Israel, 2) Call Mel and see if she could make it stop, 3) Throw up

Court’s suggestions: 1) Let’s wait until we hear from Mo and then follow her lead.

Neither of us knew what to say or do.  I kept thinking, is this real?  Could this really be happening?

I just heard from Mo and the latest update was that they are hanging in, giving Shmaby 24 hours to see if the waters replenish.  While the chances are slim, they want to give him a chance.  They will probably induce in the am.  She is a little over 23 weeks along.

Ok, ladies.

Here is what we need to do: Inundate sweet Mo with love and prayers.

Please, let her know that you are thinking of her, Shmerson, and Shmaby.

Thanks in advance, ladies, for your help.  I, along with you all, I’m sure, feel so helpless and wish that there were something even bigger we could do.  For right now, Mo just needs our love, ok?

You can comment here and I will make sure she gets all of your love.  You can also email her at faerie4ever@gmail.com directly.

PS: I’ll post updates when I get them.  I’m in a weird state of shock, going through the motions.  I just wish I could change this all…

Anyways, this week she held a giveaway.  It’s over now, but the comments are so much fun I had to share.

She asked for people to give their favorite tracks for a road-trip.  This is always a point of contention between me and Hubby.  Here is what I like to listen to: Counting Crows (when I’m feeling deep), Kanye West (to get my swagger on) and Fiona Apple (when I’m angst-y).  I like hip-hop and random ’90s songs that remind me of high school.

D likes: The Clash. (Which I used to, until he killed it for me.)  Other bands that sound EXACTLY like The Clash.  That’s about it.

Reading through the 250+ comments, I saw all kinds of songs that reminded me of fun times.  Here are 5 songs that totally make me stop what I’m doing and sing on the top of my lungs.

1)  Kiss Me and I’ll Kiss You Back (Digital Underground): This tape single was on repeat in my car when I turned 16.

2)  Tell Me Something Good (Chaka Khan): I like to make the guitar wa-wa noises.

3)  Love-Ridden (Fiona Apple): My anthem after major break up in college.  I love this line: “I know I’m a mess you don’t want to clean up.”

4)  It’s Your Love (Tim McGraw and Faith Hill): Amazing duet.  And I can sing both parts!

5)  Runaway (Kanye West): Let’s have a toast to the scumbags!

Bonus:

A Little Respect (Erasure): OMG.  The summer I was 17, I went to Israel on a group trip.  I fell in LOVE (LOVE!) with one of my counselors.  The hottest man in the world at the time. (He went on to go to Harvard and become a lawyer.  When he got married, his announcement made the NY Times.  Like I said earlier, I stalk.)   One night, I was up really late sitting in the youth hostel lobby by myself, because I couldn’t sleep.  He came in and saw me, and we sat there, talking for like 3 hours before everyone else woke up.  That song was playing and he got me to dance with him (totally not sexual, dammit.)  But then when we were on the plane home, he got over the loudspeaker and called me to the front of the plane where he was sitting. (This was a chartered plane, he could do that! LOL)  He put the song on and we danced again, in first class, being silly.  I’ll never forget the butterflies in my stomach from him and that summer, and when I hear the song?  I’m 17 again, giddy and silly.  One of my favorite memories.

What are your songs?

Something you should know about me: I don’t handle death well.  I think it’s the abandonment issues from my dad.  But it’s well-known amongst my friends that I’m not the go to to handle death. For instance, one of my best friends put in her will that our mutual friend (who doesn’t live in the same city as us) is in charge of her DNR.  Not her husband, and not me.  Why not me? Because she didn’t think I’d be strong enough to follow her wishes.  Which is wrong.  I’d be strong enough, but I’d cry for at least a year straight afterwards.

My grandma, who I write about and think about constantly, died 5 years ago.  I’m not better yet.  I don’t know if you ever get over the loss of a loved one.  But I’m not ok.  Sometimes, when I am just driving, I call my mom to talk about my grandma.  I like to ask my mom what she thinks my grandma and Pop-Pop are doing, what my grandma would say about my infertility, and even what she is cooking for dinner that night in Heaven.  It helps me feel closer to her, even though she’s not here anymore.

Currently, my mom is sick.  She has a really bad sinus infection that has left her bed-ridden for the last week.  That, mixed with some bad news she got about her foot, has brought her back to the pain and anxiety of the illness of two years ago.  Last night, we were talking about my grandma, when my mom threw this at me: “You know, I’m not afraid of death.  And I hope you realize that even if I don’t get to meet your kids, I will always be watching over them and loving you all from afar.” (I’m totally crying at my desk just talking about this.)

Instead of rushing her off of the phone, I listened.  I tried to memorize every word so that if Gd forbid I lost her today, I’d be reassured that she 1) loved me 2) loves me and 3) wasn’t afraid of the world to come.

(Ok, hold on, trying to calm self down from ugly cry.)

It was not an easy conversation to have.  She said, “I know I’m not going to die an old woman.  Lupus doesn’t grant you that.”  I tried bargaining with her, to bring her to at least 80.  She said, “I’m not the one choosing it, but I also think you need to be a little bit more realistic.”

We got off of the phone as her pain meds kicked in, and I sat on the side of the road in my car, crying.

It’s not something I want to think about.  But I’m glad that she told me that she isn’t afraid.

When I spoke to her this am, she apologized for bringing up something so painful.  She said that while she’s not planning on dying anytime soon, this infection reminded her that she isn’t as young and healthy as she once was.

I told her it’s ok, that I want to hear as much of her thoughts and promises as possible, that I need to know that no matter what, she will be with us.

I asked her if when she’s dead she will be more understanding about my infertility situation.  (I tend to use humor to get through the pain.)  She said, “I’m already trying, but by then I’m sure I’ll be much more patient.  OK?”

We laughed.  And I realized that for all of the craziness between us, she is still my mom.  And I love her.  She loves me.  In the long run, it’s the love that counts.

And we’ve got love.

Not to mention the disappointments of D’s past.  I don’t give him enough credit as having grown as a person and as a hubby.

Although I was annoyed at not having gotten anything sent to the office (at least I’m mature enough to admit this) I told myself not to hold it against D as I went into my “dinner”.

The kid delivered.  He made a cheese platter (our favorite thing), a salad, steak, greenbeans, and strawberry shortcake.  He even brought wine.

But the best part? He didn’t let me clean or help at all.  :)  I think we have both grown so much, as in years past I probably would of started the meal off with a snide remark and made him feel defensive.  Instead, I was able to just enjoy.  A total change for me.

He even looked up recipes that were on the quicker side, so that the steak and greenbeans wouldn’t take all night.  So impressed.

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Yesterday, I got an email from my mom.  It was so nice and so unexpected that I literally thought it was a forward.  I called and asked her where she got the email from and she was like, “What? I wrote it for you!”

People weird me out.

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I haven’t worked out for two weeks.  Life just got in the way, along with depression and laziness.  I’m going back tonight and I think (I KNOW) it will help.  The gym and this blog are what get me through the hard times, and are what make the good times better.

____________________

Happy Wednesday!

My bull-shit antennae went up and I said, “Um, let me guess…you didn’t do ANYTHING for Valentine’s Day?”  I was right.

Here is the thing.  I know it’s just a holiday made up by Hallmark, blah blah.  But I deserve a really good Valentine’s Day.

1)  I am currently still getting over a weekend with his dumb family while simultaneously preparing myself for another weekend with his dumb family.

2) We had no money around Hanukkah time, so we didn’t do anything.

3) I haven’t been on an actual VACATION (no wedding/baby/bar and bat mitzvah/etc) in 1.5 years.  Are roses too much to ask?

4) Hormones.  All of the time.  Stupid PCOS.

I even left my work address on the fridge for the past two weeks so I could act surprised when something cute came to my office (last year, he send chocolate covered strawberries to the wrong address) (yes, it’s the thought that counts.  But organization counts more.)

So anyway, I get off of the phone and go to the bathroom to cry, which is more than ridiculous.  The first thought was, “My stupid period makes me crazy!” Then I realized, I’m on CD8.  So, PMS?  No.  But I still feel emotional and irrational.  What if this is just me?  I CAN’T HANDLE THAT!

I know that this day is just one of many and that he should (and does) do nice things for me all of the time.  But I’m just at a bad place and I would of liked some forethought.  You know?I’ll pull my shit together before I get home to a home cooked dinner (actually, if he is cooking, it’s more like dinner will be served by 10 pm.  He’s kind of slow.)

Valentine’s Day is not a big deal, and I have to remind my hormonal crazy girl side of that.

That being said, I’d love to send you all roses and chocolate for being such good friends.  :)  So HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY.